Do you mind that I greeted you so informally? This is just me trying to be gender-neutral and extremely cool. Please don’t think of it as rude.
Before I begin, I have to clarify one thing. This isn’t addressed to the Prime Minister of one country or the President of another. This is addressed to anyone who has any kind of power and is open to taking suggestions from an adult who doesn’t fully understand basic finance or Healthy Cooking 101.
I respect your work, I really do. I just think it could use a little fine-tuning. There are many things you have chosen to ignore over the years, and it’s time for you to take note.
You see, I – a citizen of the world – am bothered by many things. And since people around me don’t bother as much as I do and continue to watch me suffer, I think they must be punished. Frankly, I have waited enough for you to take notice and step in but it has become clear that you want to waste your time on things like “foreign policy” and “maintaining world peace.” So I am forced to take the extreme step of posting this on a website that hasn’t been domain-registered yet. Hopefully this will make you think about your actions.
I assume you have been too busy to notice a few people that are in severe need of immediate punishment, so here you go:
- Those who don’t have the “vacant” button on their establishment’s bathroom doors. This is a move that benefits precisely no one. People outside would appreciate a world where they didn’t have to stand in discomfort for twenty minutes before realising they were having an intense stare-off with an empty room. People inside would like to finish their business and retain their sanity at the same time.
(PS: You may think I have petitioned for several restaurant-owners to do this, seen no success, and finally appealed to you for help. You would be wrong. I don’t have what it takes to request a glass of water when my throat is closing up from dehydration. This is me hiding behind you while you do the work, even though you’re probably younger than me.)
- People who try opening the bathroom door, realise it’s locked, but decide that now is the time to put all those “persist!” quotes to use and rattle the doorknob until – once again – I’m a mess.
- The rare third category of people who – and I’m not kidding – attempt to open the bathroom door even though there’s a sign that says “occupied.” I am open to sharing a lot of my things, but this is not one of them.
- This is a sudden change of topic, but waiters who take my pasta order and then remind me that it comes with a side of garlic bread when I order a separate portion of garlic bread. You know who you are. I bet you’re sorry now that I’ve sent international authorities after you.
- People who point out that my tendency to correct grammar makes me sound condescending and incapable of legitimate argument.
- People who correct my grammar. This is 2019 – correcting grammar is condescending and clearly shows a lack of ability to put forth a legitimate argument.
- Social media users who set their accounts to private. Why are they even on social media if they don’t want a complete stranger getting useless details of their life to kill some boredom in a never-ending traffic jam?
- People who use “adult” as a verb. Yes, I am fully aware that I am asking you to step in and issue threats to people who go against my personal preferences. It’s just very annoying, okay?
- People who don’t immediately disagree with me when I say “anyway, I’ve just been talking rubbish.” That’s exactly the kind of negative behaviour I don’t need in my life.
There you have it – the first draft of people who have consistently bugged me for some years now. Feel free to get your finest people on the case right away.