I’ve built my life on two simple guidelines. Actually they don’t really guide me – I’ll just call them lines.
(a) Suburban life helps us slow down, take in the fresh air and be nice to each other.
(b) Likes and comments are new-age concepts set to destroy us.
But suddenly, things changed. I realized I was in love with the smells only cities can give you – a combination of exhaust fumes, pee-pee, and grease from the cart selling stuff I don’t want to think about. I also checked my WordPress recently and I had 28 comments! It made my day. I decided to address those comments individually, kind of like the interview no one has asked me for – seriously, how many hints do I have to drop?
Anyway, are you ready? Let’s go:
Mom: So what about that spider situation you last wrote about?
I don’t like killing insects. But after the spider left, a cockroach took its place and I decided I had no choice. It was not easy – it took enough roach spray to incapacitate a human. You shouldn’t worry though, it did nothing to me. If the angry science articles are anything to go by, I’ve eaten enough junk food to have a fully functional chemistry lab in my system. A little spray will do no more harm.
After that first night of hysterically chasing after the cockroach, I became better at dealing with bugs. But it made me so paranoid that everything looked like a predatory insect. Over the next few days, I killed M&Ms I’d accidentally dropped, clumped pieces of thread that fell off my clothes, and the back of my earring.
Yes mom, I’ll clean the house more often.
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Wait. I can watch movies online? For free? Why I must find my quill and write mother!
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Nothing makes me happier than people who share my website. I hope I’m not taking too much liberty asking you this…I mean, I probably shouldn’t. Never mind, it’s nothing.
Actually I think I’ll just say it. It would mean the world to me if you also wrote me a testimonial on Orkut. I’ll write you one too, I promise!
That concludes our interview for today. The rest of the comments were from xxxvideosxxx telling me about attractive singles in my area – I think I’m really making an impact on this person. However, I don’t really need those attractive singles anymore. I realized they were only filling a void. FiNNANcE.com just told me I won $1000000 in a lottery. I’ve sent over my bank account information and the amount should be credited today. Dinner, anyone?